Recognise, Reflect, and Reframe Disempowering Thoughts

Take a moment to reflect on the following statements:

“The kids are frustrating me.”

“This assignment is overwhelming me.”

“You’re making me feel bad.”

“They made me doubt myself.”

We have all thought or said similar statements to ourselves or others. The problem with each of them is that they are impossible. Our kids cannot make us feel frustrated. An assignment cannot make us feel overwhelmed. No one can make us feel bad or change how we think about ourselves. No object or person can step into our mind and make us feel or think anything. We have the power to choose how we think or feel in response to anyone or anything.

Our thoughts can give away that power. When we say, “They made me doubt myself,” we hand over all control of our thoughts and emotions to someone else. We effectively say to that person, “You have the ability to determine how I see myself and the level of confidence I have in myself.”

You would not imagine too many kings would willingly tear down their city walls and let an opposing army take control of their city. Yet, we tear down the walls guarding our minds and let others influence and control how we think and feel with a mere thought. Often without realising that we did.

If we want to start living out our values and making choices that help us do so, we need to start to recognise, reflect, and reframe disempowering thoughts. When we do, we reinforce the walls of our mind enabling us to take control in the moment, and to live out our values through committed action.

Step 1: Recognise the Disempowering Thought

Often, these disempowering thoughts come in the form of “you made/are making me” or “they made/are making me,” “this made/is making me” statements. None of these thoughts are true, we just think they are. Recognising these patterns of thinking and being mindful of them, allows us to review them and challenge them when they occur.

Step 2: Reflect on the Disempowering Thought

Once we recognise a disempowering thought, it is important to reframe it. We have an exercise called "Capture and Challenge Your Thoughts" in our resource section that can help you to do this.

Let us review one of the example thoughts from above, “The kids are frustrating me,” and challenge it.

The truth is kids cannot frustrate us; we allow ourselves to feel frustrated in response to their actions and the situation before us. Afterall, it would be rather disturbing if children had that much power and influence over an adult's thoughts or emotions.

This realisation allows us to recognise our emotions, in this case frustration, and reflect on what the emotion is communicating to us. We have an exercise called “What Are My Emotions Communicating to Me?” in our resource section that can help you to do this as well.

We could be feeling frustrated by our children for a variety of reasons. It could be because of the child’s behaviour. They are not listening, or they are repeating a behaviour that we have tried to teach them not to do. We could be frustrated because as a parent we struggle to influence their behaviours. Or we believe that children should always be well behaved, and we need to challenge this impossibly high standard. Or we value peace, stability, and self-control, and neither we nor the children have it in the current situation.

Once we recognise that our thoughts are disempowering us, and that our emotions are in response to our situation, we can begin to reflect on what our emotions are trying to communicate to us. Reflecting on this allows us to identify problems in our lives that need to be solved, including how we communicate our thoughts and feelings to others.

Step 3: Reframe the Disempowering Thought

Identifying disempowering thoughts and what our emotions are communicating to us enables us to see the problems in our life clearly so that we can solve them. The next step is to reframe our original disempowering thought so that we can move forward in life empowered with a plan and a desire for action.

The original disempowering thought that we have been exploring was “The kids are frustrating me.” We then explored how we have control over how we feel and that our feelings communicate valuable information to us about the situation that we are in. As an example, let us say that our feelings of frustration are communicating to us that we are struggling to influence our children’s behaviours.

We can then reframe our disempowering thought to a more empowering one: “I am feeling frustrated because I struggle to influence my children’s behaviours.”

This reframed thought identifies what our emotions are communicating, the problem that we are facing, and then highlights potential courses of action. In this example, a potential course of action could be to find resources on establishing boundaries with children.

Step 4: Practice Improves Performance

Practice does not lead to perfection; it leads to improved performance. By repeatedly recognising our disempowering thoughts, we improve our ability to reflect on them. This allows us to become better attuned to our emotions and what they are communicating to us.

Practicing these strategies leads us to a more empowered and fulfilled life through increased self-awareness, allowing us to identify our problems, and take committed action to address them.

So, what disempowering thoughts do you need to challenge? What are your emotions trying to communicate to you? Why not head over to the resources section, try the exercises there, and start recognising, reflecting and reframing your disempowering thoughts today!

Reflection

Reflect on the last time you said to someone that they made you feel a certain way. Did you feel disempowered or empowered? Did you feel in control or out of control? Are you open to explore your feelings in this moment differently?

Prayer

Father God, thank you for the range of emotions that you have created for me to experience. Help me to embrace all of them, even the uncomfortable ones. Give me the strength to respond to them in a way that honours you and is line with my values.

Affirmation

My mind alone is responsible for the emotions I experience in response to what is happening around me.

Action

Return to the situation you reflected on above. Recall the emotion that you were feeling in this situation. What thoughts were you having regarding this emotion? Recall how you felt when you thought that someone else had made you feel this way. Notice the sense of disempowerment you felt because of these thoughts.

Now, give the feeling a name. State the feeling. "I am feeling....". I'm noticing the feeling of..."

Now ask yourself, what happened in this situation that generated this feeling. What was said? What was done? What wasn't said or done?

Think about how you could have expressed this emotion in a more empowering way. Say it out loud. How much more empowered do you feel?

Continue to practice this exercise. As you do, you'll not only take ownership of your own feelings, but you'll learn how to express them in a way that empowers you and brings about change.